What have I learned...

I've learned that cheating THAT much is going to cause my body to not take just 2 steps back, but a whole damn staircase back.
My weight has yet to get back to the 202 range. It's been staying around 205-204 which isn't bad but still not good.
AND I'm experiencing the hunger issue that happens near the beginning on clean eating again. That feeling of insatiable hunger so I feel like I'm not eating enough even though I'm eating everything.
AND I'm eating more carby things. Nothing bad thankfully, but too much fruit. My carbs per day still isn't huge or anything, but it's higher than I want it to be and what I think it needs to be for weight loss. Plus eating the fruit and such is making me crave sweets more.

And I can see a difference in my mid section too. Before the cheat, it was still large but to me didn't look or feel bloated.
Now.. it's both. It looks and def feels bloated and hard and BLEH.
Were those cheats delicious? Yes, yes they were, but man it isn't worth all of this mess. It isn't worth the 2 weeks it's going to take to get back to losing weight again :(

Not saying we're never ever going to cheat, but not like that.
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Pretty sure Zoe is cutting another tooth. She's been really restless lately and waking up constantly. I am one tired momma!!
Doesn't help that the garage door is waking her up when DH goes to work so... that's another 30min to an hour of sleep that I was getting lost.

I dunno how parents can put their toddlers in to toddler beds right now. Zoe would NEVER sleep if she could get out of her bed any time she wanted.
That girl is staying in her crib for as long as possible *nodnod* Oh gawd, I would hate to see what her room would look like if she had free reign of it.
Thankfully for now she's not the best climber. Small things she's ok on but she's not good at climbing larger objects yet so no worry about her climbing out of her crib.

She's been good though. Her eczema is starting to come back a little on her arms. I swear, we get it under control on one part of her body and it pops up somewhere else. SO frustrating!!

She's learning so much and of course being a mommy, I worry if she's learning enough.
The worries really never do stop. If it's not one thing, it's a bajillion others.

And yeah, things in general are good. Feels like I'm forgetting something but oh well.

Bumpin

Since I don't like leaving extremely negative posts at the top... here's another :P

I'm on cd44 right now and NADA is going on. I've been taking OPKs religiously and nope. I still really don't want to take provera, but I will in a week.... or so :P

OH! Our cheat day was monday and good lordy we WAY overdid it.
We greatly overestimated just how much we could eat and not want to die :P By the end of the day we were bloated and miserable. I woke up a few times nauseous and with terrible acid reflux.
Considering that a lesson learned.
And that cheat day is still wreaking havoc on my weight right now.
Just from that day, my weight jumped back up to 209!! WHAT??
Now I know I didn't eat 7lbs worth of junk food so most of that is bloat and water retention b/c of the bad food.

I was 205 this morning so.. it's slowly coming back down. Hopefully by Monday I'll be back to 202 and losing again.... still though.... YIKES.
Again, lesson learned!

We've agreed that we're going to stay primal for another month and at the end, have ONE cheat, not one cheat day. I didn't have ice cream this time so would like it next, but that would be it.
After how we felt and now having to deal with trying to get my body back to losing weight... it's just not worth cheating that much.
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So, when exactly do toddlers start realizing that the word "No" isn't funny??
I tell Zoe no and it does not register with her. She knows what it means. It's her favorite word :P
But when I say it to her to get her to stop something, she'll look at me, and say NO, then continue doing whatever.
Sometimes she'll even pop her own hand (something I've only done a couple of times but stopped b/c it didn't do anything)..... and then continue on.

It's a little frustrating b/c there's no way to discipline her. I guess the best we can do right now is distract which only works sometimes lol.

She has picked up something good though. She says Thank You :D It's more like "Tank Ooo" but she says it dangit hehe.  She's very polite when she wants to be lol

I can't wait to get her a pet of her own. She absolutely adores the pets but they still really don't want anything to do with her unless she has food in her hands. She tries to get the dogs to chase her, she wants to pet the kitty (and climb all over him) and none of them are having any of it.

DH and I did agree to wait a couple of years before we got another pet, but I want one now!! lol I've been torturing myself by looking at the local no kill rescue center's website. SO many animals needing a good home.. THIS HOME! LOL, but yeah, we really should wait and just hope our uppity pets finally come around.

Cold hearted

This is going to turn in to personal ranting/venting.

So, if you don't recall. My dad had a bitch fit and deleted DH and I from his FB account.
Whatever. I blocked him and that was that.
Well he emails me saying he's sorry and blahblah.

I really don't care so ignore him.

He's since gotten my aunt and one of his friends to call me. Why? Well, he needed a triple bipass and wanted to let me know.
Telling my brother to tell me would've been enough. But no, he's involving even more people now.

I'm not wishing death on the bastard, but I really do not care if he is in my life any longer. Actually I would be more than happy to erase him from it.
All I can think about is what he did to me and how much it makes me sick and how he's not sorry for it (and I know he's not which I'll explain in a moment).
It makes me sick b/c I can not even think of someone hurting Zoe that way and I'll be damned if she ever meets the one who did do it to me.

And why I know he isn't sorry. He got divorced from his last wife b/c she caught him looking at porn. Not just any porn but incest porn.
AND her daughter confessed to her after she split from him that he hit on her. I guess when they were living in California, him and his wife would get high sometimes and the daughter knew this and asked him if he could give her some weed.
Well he gave her some w/ a little note saying that she could do a little something for him...

So yeah... Fuck him, fuck his fake apologies b/c I don't want to hear it anymore.

Ramblings

Boy, that Chinese buffet on friday was delicious!! Paying for it w/ my weight but oh well.

Anywhore....
Started inositol when I received it in the mail on Thursday night and been taking it twice a day since. I think there was some research that put women on 4g a day and that seems to be what most women are doing. It equals to about 2tsp a day.
Just put the powder in water and it dissolves. It tastes kind of synthetic and plasticy, but it's not too terrible and w/ a couple squirts of lemon in the water, I don't really notice it too much.

People also say it takes a while to start working. IF it does work. I think I've taken it before though. I thought it was the DCI inositol version, but apparently that stuff is more expensive, so it was probably myo that I took before with no results.

Maybe with the better diet I'll respond to it *shrugs*

There is def a difference in my appearance. Oh I'm still sporting the large belly, but I'm starting to get my jawline back and the double chin isn't so large.
I can also tell that my stomach has gone down some.
Long way to go, but it's getting there :)

While a late 2014 early 2015 baby would be awesome.... I think at the earliest, we're probably looking at a mid 2015 baby.
And ya know what, I'm ok with that. Heck, even a late 2015 is ok too. While I do still have some serious baby fever going on and good lord would I love to be pregnant RIGHT NOW.... I can wait a little longer so my body can get healthier.
The more weight I can lose can only help with my PCOS, and hopefully will help to get me ovulating again.

Speaking of that. Has anyone heard of someone that didn't respond to clomid or femara before. But then they lose weight and respond to it after taking it again?
Was thinking about maybe talking to my OBgyn about it and MAYBE giving clomid another shot if nothing by my April appointment. I highly doubt I would respond though. Just a thought...

____

Oh cat news...
His paws haven't gotten any better. We just switched him to a different steroid pill. I don't know the names of any of them so sorry for the lack of details.
The vet is really interested in his case though. She's never seen it before and says the condition is rare. Figures we would have the task of trying to figure out what works lol
Thankfully he's ok taking the pills (in pill pocket snacks). FX that we'll see some improvement soon. He's been on the new meds for a week? now, so should be a couple more weeks before we'll know.
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We're going to 2 concerts this year! Or well, so far :D
Weezer is coming to some locations near us and DH jumped at the opportunity to see them. They hardly ever come anywhere close to us so DH was really excited about it. They're his fav band.
Only bad thing is that the venue is a stand only place. BLEH FOR ME! lol ;)

And I think I mentioned this already but we're also going to the Carolina Rebellion again! WOOT! Yeah I think I did mention it b/c I was going on about having to leave Zoe for so long :(
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Zoe is just..... a toddler. lol I mean.... WOW
It is absolutely INSANE how quickly she is growing and developing. Her speech still isn't the best, but she tries and wants to know what everything is and tries to say the name.
Also it's so weird how much she understands.
Like telling her to go put something back somewhere.. she just knows.
Take for instance, she took something off of DH's desk. I told her to put it back on his desk. We've never taught her specifically what a "desk" is, but she knew where to put it.
And telling her to put the envelopes she pulled out back up... she did it (well crumpled up and messy but still).
Maybe she doesn't understand it completely, but her little brain is connecting those dots like a champ! ;)

We're lucky

Being back on PCOS boards makes me realize just how lucky we are to have Zoe.
Things could have gone so different and I may still be sitting here trying for #1.
We are so lucky to have her and I am thankful every day for her.

It breaks my heart to see so many woman struggling still though. So so so many of them trying everything under the sun and still nothing or m/c after m/c :(

____


On a lighter note.... I gained about 3lbs today at dinner! LOL
We decided on Chinese buffet as our first cheat and BOY was it good!
I don't waste my time with fillers like rice or noodles. It's all meat baby!
Crab legs, pork, calamari rings, chicken wings, etc etc. MMMMM SO GOOD.
Also ate 2 "Chinese" Donuts aka fried biscuit dough in sugar, and 2 coffee cake things that are frickin scrumptious!

It was so good but man did I eat too much!

Zoe does not know what inside voice means yet. Girl got LOUD in the restaurant and was having a good ole time saying HI to everyone and waving her food around and just being adorably loud heh
She acts like we never take her anywhere :P hehe
She is not shy around strangers though. No stranger anxiety at all. I hope she keeps that up. Not to the point of taking candy from a stranger :P but you know what I mean lol

Oh man... I went to the grocery store with her this morning to pick up a few things. It was obvious that it was going to rain, but MAN.. I wasn't expecting a downpour and of course it had to happen right as we were heading out. It was raining good and them BOOM, completely drenched!
I practically had to throw Zoe in to the car to keep her from getting totally soaked and there were huge puddles in the bottom of all of the bags by the time I got to them to put them in the car lol. Good times good times.
Frickin SC weather man.

Whole30 done

So yesterday was our last day of Whole30.
It wasn't as strict as it's supposed to be. I had a tiny amount of dairy, added honey to salad dressings and fixed some pumpkin custard desserts, but those were a few items so not that bad.

Weighed in this morning as soon as I got up

I started Whole30 weighing in at 212.4
This morning.... 202.6!!

Total loss in 30 days... 9.8lbs!!!

I lost almost 10lbs in a month! WOOHOO!

Still have a long way to go to get to my ultimate weight, but hopefully within the next few weeks I'll be in the Onederlands never to see the 200's again (unless I get pregnant).

So happy we did this and even happier to continue it.
It's not going to be quite as strict but I'm still going to keep an eye on my calories for a while and of course limit carbs.

We'll be having a cheat day on Monday. We still need to figure out exactly what we're going to have though so we don't buy extra junk.

It's so nice to finally lose weight though!! I was getting so frustrated seeing the same few pounds disappearing then reappearing.

Vitamins and such

So I've decided to hold off on the provera for a little bit longer. I was going to start it yesterday if OPKs were still negative (which they were).
Was reading some threads on a PCOS board and it seems as though a lot of women are having a little bit of success taking something called Myo Inositol.
I've taken inositol before, but I think it was a different kind, not myo. Actually I'm pretty sure of that b/c I remember when ordering it that it was cheaper.
That didn't do anything for me, but the myo kind is supposed to work better.

From what I've read, it works similar to metformin in helping your body become more sensitive to insulin. Something I def need.

There's some product called Pregnitude? on the market that is Myo Inositol and Folic Acid that people are raving about that's the new miracle drug.

It's kind of a expensive for a month's worth so I just bought the myo inositol and will continue taking my prenatal. Not that the Myo was inexpensive though. But it will last longer so in the long run it will be cheaper.

I'm NOT going to be taking a bajillion and 1 herbs like I did before though.
Right now I'm taking metformin, synthroid, prenatal, vit d, and fish oil (which reminds me that I need to get more).
That along w/ the Myo powder will be more than enough.
Really wish herbal supplements were regulated a bit more. That way people know what they're getting instead of wondering if it's pure stuff.
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Zoe pitched a FIT yesterday when I tried feeding her yogurt.
SHE wanted to do it herself and had full on tantrums if it looked like I was going to try to feed her.
I don't mind if she wants to feed herself, but with yogurt, there's that possibility of it getting EVERYWHERE.
She did pretty well with it though. She still doesn't hold utensils quite right but she managed with only a couple of globs of it dropping on the floor (which she then tried to pick up and eat).


OH! I forgot to mention something gross that happened the other day.
We went to Target to pick up some baby wipes.
We usually use a cart cover but I was feeling lazy and didn't want to.
So DH heads over to Dick's while I go in to Target w/ Zoe.
I put her in a cart and everything is fine.
She starts pretending to hand me and feed me stuff (or so I thought). I didn't think much of it b/c she's done this at home, so I just play along.
A little bit later... she says " MMM!"
I get a bit confused and say "MM?", Look down in to her seat and there is a mystery melted glob of candy stuck to the seat. Something that looks like it's been there for at least a few days.
*GAG*
I yell out " OH GOD! EWW!" Seriously, I yelled it :P
And quickly covered the spot so she can't pick at it any longer.


BLEEEEEEH!!
Kids are so gross. I remember my cousin used to pick up and eat other people's discarded chewing gum *barf*

Woot!

Convinced DH that we needed to buy more cloth diapers. Muahahaha

Heh, we really did need some new ones. Those alva baby and a couple of the kawaiis are just not holding up for some reason. The PUL is wearing away so the pee soaks right through.

I just ended up buying more kawaii. They're having a sale and I couldn't resist :D heh
Bought a few more bamboo, heavy wetters, and just regular ones. Should be enough to last us until we don't need them anymore. At least I hope so.

Terrible 2's my ass!

Everyone wants to talk about the TERRIBLE 2's!!
No one warns you about the terrible 18 months! I guess it doesn't have the same ring to it as the other one :P lol

I know it's only going to get worse, but GOOD LORD.
Zoe is just... WOW.

When people say they're going to get in to everything... THEY ARE NOT JOKING.
Zoe is kinda sorta starting to learn the certain things she's not supposed to play with. Doesn't mean she still doesn't go for it though.
She knows what NO means... it's her new favorite word. But she goes deaf when we say it to her, or she takes it as a joke.
Like... "No? Oh haha momma (or as she still calls me.. Dada), you're so funny!"
But if we try to do something to her, like change her diaper or put lotion on her... it's NO NO NO NO NOOOOO and I mean the most pitiful cries of NO's that break your heart, but also makes you laugh b/c it's adorable :P lol

Thankfully she hasn't had another total meltdown in a store, but it's coming. We almost had that happen today. It was taking longer than expected in the store, and she hadn't had a 2nd nap, plus she was hungry and thirsty. The needle was on orange about to go on red before we got out of there finally.
And then, when we did leave, I took away this free pamphlet thing I had given her to keep her happy and she had her meltdown in the parking lot and ALL the way home (thankfully not that far away). Oh, and she was eating said pamphlet too b/c I guess she's teething again. She had managed to completely soak the jacket she had on b/c she was chewing on it. BLEH.

And don't get me started on all of the whining and throwing stuff at home. Thankfully it's small things she throws and it's usually thrown in to our laps, but still..... I can see it getting worse if we can't get her to stop.

Oh, she looks like this sweet adorable smiley baby, but underneath... underneath lies something chaotic that wants to be released to wreak havoc on the world!

Well, so much for that...

Just saw on the news this morning that it was an earthquake o_O
It was a 4.1 to the west? of us. Surprised I felt anything but still... wow.

Happy V Day!!

No photos of Zoe. TOTALLY forgot to take some. Even dressed her in a cute red top and her heart jeans.
We were just so excited that we could drive somewhere today that it slipped our minds.
We've been house bound since Tuesday since the snow/ice storm hit us.
I was ok since I'm used to being home all the time, but DH was coming down with some cabin fever and needed to get out of the house lol.
It's scary to think of who did have to go out the day before though. The day before everything was ICE. Snow then ice on top then snow and more ice. I can't imagine people having to drive on that. SO frickin glad DH took this week off b/c of his wisdom teeth removal.

____

Diet is going well. No big news there. Just still doing what we've been doing.
This coming Thursday will be our last official day of WHole30, but we're sticking to being healthier. We'll add back in some dark chocolate and probably some other sweet primal treats here and there, but that's going to be it after our cheats.
Gotta keep this weight loss on track and get my body healthy again.
Figure it's going to take a few months for my hormones to sort themselves out enough to where I'm ovulating again. At least I hope that happens.
____

I swear the house just shook. Heard a rumble like if a huge truck passes right by you and the house shook a little. It was only just a little bit and only lasted for a second, but that was strange.
We live in the back of a neighborhood so no reason for there to be a truck... and.. yeah.
We have gotten very small earthquakes here and there before since we're on a faultline but I've never felt anything.. at least nothing like that.
Not sure if that was something but still interesting. Wonder what it was.
Too bad DH wasn't awake so I'd have someone that could back this up lol.
And I'm not saying it was an earthquake lol. I highly doubt it was.

Weigh in

So since I have to take DH to the dentist tomorrow morning, I figured I would do my weigh in today...

204.2!!!!

That's a total of 8.2lbs lost since starting Whole30. I know most of that is water weight but I will take it!
5 more pounds until I see the Onederlands again! WOOT!
I said it before, but this time I'm determined.
Once I see that 1 in front of my weight, it's going to STAY a one in front. No more 200s!!!

Well that's unless I get pregnant soon and gain from that, but other than that, no more 200's!!

UGH, I gotta bitch....

Ok so SiL and my bro came over for a little bit so we could visit with their baby boy.
My brother does not have the best track record with holding a job. One thing or another happens and he ends up getting fired. It happens over and over and over again.
Well, it SEEMS like he might be getting a permanent job (for now), so now him and SiL have these HUGE plans to spend all this money that they don't frickin have, or if they do, it's a dwindling amount that needs to be saved, at least some of it.
Now I don't usually care how people want to spend their money, but planning a family trip to Comic Con is NOT the way to go when you are on fucking FOOD STAMPS.
I am not against food stamps for people that need them.... but COME ON. That is just... UGH!

I just want to SHAKE the shit out of them!!! We're not the best with our money either but damn, they are IDIOTS when it comes to theirs. Seriously.... you want to go to Comic Con (4 F-ing plane tickets, PLUS hotel, PLUS the tickets to actually get in), nevermind your car payments and insurance that our MOM had to pay for you (good luck to her if she's expecting to get paid back).

And they tell us all this shit like it's no big deal. Like we're supposed to be excited for them. Uhm... no. I'm pissed that you're pissing away your money and not even thinking about saving up, or cleaning up your filthy F-ing house that you've completely ruined with dog piss and shit and smoke.


UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!! Some people man..... you love them, but damn would it make you feel good to just smack them a few times. Or at the very least scream at them.

Randomness and junk

I have a bit of an obsession with weighing myself while trying to lose weight. I know you shouldn't do it daily b/c your weight can fluctuate so much, but I find it helps to keep me on track better and gives me a better idea of what my body is doing.

Welp, I weighed this morning and I saw 204.8!!! O_O
WOO!

Last week my weight had jumped back up to about 210 for a while, then it dropped back down to around 207, now.. this! NICE!!!

I've been using myfitnesspal to keep track of food for a little while. I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting too many carbs.
I've been eating a lot BUT I'm not getting a ton of calories. Answering all of the questions on MFP, my daily cal intake should be about 1200. Yeah, JUST 1200, but I've rarely gotten up to that much since starting and I have NOT been starving myself. In fact, I still think I eat a good bit.

Like if we bought pork chops. I'll have 2 for breakfast or lunch, then 3-4 eggs for breakfast or lunch.
Then a good healthy portion of meat for dinner along with a side of veggies and a salad. I cook with coconut oil or butter and yeah... it's good stuff. Oh and snacks has been an apple or pear and maybe some seaweed wraps.
But it all still usually doesn't add up to 1200.
I don't want to put myself in to starvation mode, but I also don't want to force feed myself. I feel hungry, I eat something. It's just that what I've been eating isn't full of calories, ya know?
____

Zoe is growing up so quick.
She's actually telling me "No" now. Like say for instance, if she wasn't hungry before, she would just push the food away or turn her head.
Now it's a straight up No.
And changing her diaper, she thinks it's hilarious to say no and then lock her chubby little legs straight so it's hard to get her diaper on :P lol

She's gonna have to stay with MiL on Monday. DH is getting his wisdom teeth taken out. Yikes. I need to have that done as well.... hell, I just need to go to the dentist, but whatever.
Not sure when we're giving her to MiL though. Maybe Sunday lunch since his appointment is early morning.
____

OPKs have been totally negative. I will say that there has been a difference in the way they look though.
Before, I would get a light but still decent looking line on OPKs all the time. But for about a week now (give or take a day), they've been super light and faint.... what I would imagine is how they SHOULD be.
Took one this morning (I know taking them later is best, but I'm a POASaholic) and it looks more like how they used to. *shrugs*
I doubt it means anything other than just fluctuation in LH, but still... just an observation.

OH also yesterday, I noticed in the shower that I didn't have as much hair falling out as I usually do.
Before, I'd have at least a dozen or more loose hairs. I'd have them clinging to my body so I'd have to pick them off, I'd pull away half a dozen when shampooing and conditioning, etc.
But last night... nope. No stray loose hairs stuck anywhere and shampooing, conditioning, then drying, only maybe 5 or 6.
Not sure if it's just a fluke but I hope not.
I used to have thick hair, would be nice to at least keep what I have left of it.

18m checkup

Zoe had her checkup yesterday and everything looked good.
She only had one shot and didn't even cry. She fussed a little but was ok heh.
Height was 32.2in, weight 23.2, head circ, 45.2

DH and I were a little concerned since her head didn't grow that much, but her doctor wasn't concerned at all.
And other than the late walking, she's pretty much right on time with all of her development.

She's fussing wanting to get up right now so, gotta get! heh

Wow, now that was a meltdown!!

So we went and picked Zoe up yesterday.
She looked fine, MiL said she didn't sleep a lot but overall was ok.
She was totally find and all smiles while out at lunch, then... in the car the screaming cries started.
She knew she was going home and I think that's when the fatigue hit her. She was tired and not happy about it.
BUT we had to go to the store first.
So we went to the Asian market, DH is letting her walk around some, and man.... we had our first meltdown in a public place and it was LOUD lol.
She just screamed her cute tired little head off and wasn't having ANY of it!!
Told DH to just take her out to the car while I finished up.

We finally got home and she slept 2hrs and woke up crying and grumpy as hell b/c she wasn't ready to get up.

We kept her up until her bedtime though (thankfully her mood got better), so we could feed her and whatnot and she zonked right out and sttn and is happily napping right now. Not her usual nap time but whatever....

Makes me dread how tired she's going to be when she's over there for almost 3 days :(
My poor girl! Hopefully by then w/ lots of overnighters w/ granny, she'll get used to being there and will actually sleep more so this won't be a problem.