Grief and drama queens and just me bitching

I'm going to sound like a bitch in this I'm sure.
First up..
SiL lost her baby. I think she was 18 weeks or so along. Maybe further? when she started spotting. She went in to get checked out and unfortunately baby didn't have a heartbeat :(
So so sad for them. SO frickin sad for them.

Now with that being said, it has been a little bit since it happened and SiL is just....she's just a giant attention whore. There.. I said it.
UGH that sounds terrible, but when she posts things like "Haha, smoking in my house and don't give AF!"
Like... really??? You do remember you have another child right??? That smoking in your home is going to stink up everything and expose your oldest to it... right???

Just ugh.. I can't with that. I'm so sad that they lost their little baby girl, but don't be a fucking dick while you grieve and expose your child to cig smoke. How about that.

And on to an even bigger drama queen.

One of my cousins. She's a GIANT SJW far leftist type. Nothing wrong with being leftist, but she's like FAR FAR leftist. Like the far right are horrible, so are the far left.
Yeah.. that's her.
Plus she's just annoying as shit.
She's REALLY fucking full of herself. Like... extremely full of herself.
She's a photographer and takes great photos, but also gets pissed off when Facebook takes down her nude photos. Then she starts ranting and raving about "FUCK WHOEVER IS REPORTING MY PHOTOS" then gets kind of schooled that no one gives a shit and it's probably just FB taking them down automatically b/c of whatever bot they're using. Then it's "Oh this means way Facebook! I'm going to just keep posting it! I'm going to quit if they don't allow my stuff!"

That's not even the worst of it. She vague posts all the damn time to get attention. She always posts shit like "Well my TRUE friends will XYZ and share" bullshit posts (same as SiL does too).

She's constantly trying to lose weight, then will post these like ginormous meals she just fixed herself.
And don't forget the selfies she constantly posts with the hashtags "Halfkorean! Halfasian!" in every single fucking one of them. Like... really??

I know this stuff sounds mild when I say it not, but it's constantly posted on facebook. CONSTANTLY and it gets tiring to see. I've already ignored her twice now for 30 days at a time and just ugh.

Then FiL is kind of your typical doofy ass parent that doesn't completely understand the internet but shares stuff anyway.
Constantly posts those bullshit for attention posts where it shows like some gorgeous cabin in the woods with a caption like "I bet you wouldn't live HERE for a year. Share if you would!" kind of stupid ass posts. Or will post a picture of a cute puppy with "I bet you won't share this picture!"
It's so damn cringy.
He even shared a post about how we don't support our veterans... and the photo was from the frickin movie Tropic Thunder... and no.. he didn't know it was from a movie. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I think I just need to ignore a lot of folks for a little bit b/c they're really annoying me lol.

Boring diet stuff

Day 3? 4? I don't even know of carnivore diet. All meat and animal products (cheese, eggs, dairy etc).
Feeling pretty good, but I think I need to limit dairy even more.
Had more than usual last night with dinner and now I'm up 3lbs.
Could just be normal day to day weight fluctuation though so next time I have more than usual dairy, I'll remember to check to see if I retain water the next day or not.
I don't have a ton of dairy anyway. 1 tablespoon or cream in my coffee and that's it.

Coming from a keto but mostly eating meat diet has been easy, but I'm also craving the keto desserts I used to fix.
I'm determined to stick to carnivore for a month though. It's going to be difficult, but I set out to do it and I'm going to.
Also giving up nightshades suuuuucks, b/c it would make going carnivore so much easier if I could have some hot sauce. No, that's not strict carn, but it would help to cut through some of the fat and just add flavor. Sigh.

I am extremely frustrated with my belly though. All other people that are at this weight? Nice bodies, smaller bellies.
Me? HUGE fucking belly that will not fucking go away!!!
I understand that my lower stomach pooch is going to take a while to disappear, but damn, this is infuriatingly frustrating. Maybe when I get to the 150's??? Maybe THEN my stomach will finally start to disappear???
If I could GET to the 150's that would be great, but my weight has been going up then going down, going up then going down the same 3lbs. Just frickin LOSE ALREADY!
I know the scale doesn't tell the whole story, but damn... when you still need to lose so much, it's still frustrating as shit to see the number stall.

I have my annual exam next month and it would be great to be well in to the 170's by then. Just hope I can get there finally.

Also started exercising again and I'm going to start pushing myself a bit harder. Still easy at first, but just increasing weight a little when doing certain exercises and whatnot.
My eventual fitness goal is to be able to do a pull up and pushup. I would love to be able to do either one of those... just one. And once I can do just one of both of those, I'll aim to get up to 5 each.
That's not going to happen for a long time though. I'm REALLY weak right now and need to lose more weight and build up my puny muscles.
I'll get there though.

That's what is different this time with this weight loss journey. I have absolutely no thought of quitting in my mind anymore. Not even a little bit. Oh I'll complain about weight fluctuations, stalls, my fat not disappearing like I want lol, but I'm in this. I'm NOT giving up this time.
I wish everyone could finally get to this point in their weight loss journeys b/c damn is it such a liberating feeling.
Yes, there is still that intimidation b/c for some of us, the weight comes off slow, but not constantly worrying about falling off the wagon or constantly wanting to cheat... weight lifted.
That's not to say I don't get cravings still though. Like krispy kreme donuts. Damn.... if I had a box of them, I'd eat every single one lol.
But NOW I know I can resist. It's not always on my mind. Sure... I would love one, but I know they're not going anywhere. Maybe for a planned cheat day, I'll have them, but  I'm good.

I just see so many people still struggling and honestly, I'm glad I'm not one of them anymore. I'm not struggling to stay on this diet.
I KNOW I will get to my goal. I HOPE it happens sooner rather than later of course, but I'm in this until the end. No more yo-yo dieting. No more giving up.

With all of that said though, I'm still trying to figure my body out.
Like, I know I retain water when my period shows up. I'll go up about 5lbs give or take. But that weight usually drops right back off after about 3 days.
After that though /shrugs I just haven't been paying that much attention to any pattern that could be happening lol. I probably should. That way if I do have cycles of retaining water, I'll be prepared for it instead of wondering if I'm doing something wrong with my diet.

What else...
Hoping this way of eating helps my sleep. I NEED restful sleep and I just don't get that most of the time. I toss and turn so much and don't get in to that deep restful healing sleep. Carnivore is supposed to help.
Also hoping it helps with mental clarity. I know the better sleep probably helps with that too.
Have so many ideas I want to do and get started on.

And yeah... just feeling really positive about most of this. Frustrated at my stupid stomach, but I know it will go down eventually. Just hoping it happens soon so I can stop looking like I'm pregnant already lol.

It's February!!

I'm sorry I don't post a lot here anymore.
There's really not much to post other than just every day life.

Lets see.. kids first..

Orens potty training is going slooooow. He's so stubborn about it and will not poop in the potty. I still have to tell him to pee in it too. He's getting better though and has started to go on his own. Just a couple of times, but it's still better than nothing. I think I'm just going to have to ditch the pull ups and go with only underwear. It's so gross when they poop in them, but I think that will get him to just use the potty.
He's good other than that though. Growing so fast.

Ezra is good too. The epitome of terrible twos though. Lord have mercy. He puts my stress level to a 10. Throws, tantrums, whines, cries, thinks he's the boss, picky as shit eater, etc.
He can be so sweet one minute and the next is a howler monkey demon from the pits of hell! lol

Zoe is good too. She's struggling a little in math in school, but bought some workbooks to help her. She gets bored very easily with it and wants to rush through everything so doesn't pay attention to the details.
Like with reading, instead of sounding out a word she doesn't know, she'll see something that looks like a word she already knows and will say that's what it is. If that makes sense.
She's super smart, just impatient.

DH and I are doing great.
Both sticking to our diets and doing well.
I'm down to 178.8 as of this morning. My weight has been fluctuating 2lbs. Up 2lbs and down 2lbs for the last month. It's frustrating as shit.
Decided to give up nightshades this month (tomatoes, peppers) b/c I'm certain I'm intolerant to them. Since those were the main veggies I was eating, decided to also try carnivore this month too.
Nothing but meat, eggs, and some dairy. Well... I'm 99% carnivore. I still drink diet soda, and I'm still using almond/cashew unsweetened milk in my morning coffee along with monk fruit sweetener.
So I'm definitely not doing it perfectly/strict, but I'm doing what is going to work for me.
I also started exercising again. Got a bad cold along with a bad period at the same time. Just completely drained me so I stopped exercising for a couple of weeks.
Just started back up and yep.. I still hate it. I don't mind doing the exercises, but it's just getting up to actually do it. I love being lazy!!
But... I don't want to be skinny fat and flabby so gotta get this going. I may never like exercising, but I know it's going to help me get healthier.
Along with losing weight, I'm just hoping going carnivore helps mental clarity. i always read about this benefit, and hoping that happens for myself. I really want to start creating/crafting more this year.
Have BIG ideas for Trunk or Treat that DH wants to participate in that I need to start right now.

DH is down about 60 or so pounds. He is VERY close to being under 200lbs now. His weight went up a little bit and has been stuck for a couple of weeks now. I know he's frustrated about it, but you gotta trust this process. Scale might be stuck, but he's exercising now and gaining muscle and I'm sure losing inches. He's not doing carnivore with me. well... not completely.

Anyway... we're both good and feeling good.
Hoping that my stomach will FINALLY start to shrink. I do still have about 55 or so pounds I want to lose and it feels like my stomach is going to be the last thing to go. I've lost 45lbs! 45!! And I've oNLY dropped 2 pant sizes. Yeah that's awesome, but damn.. there are others out there that are my same starting weight, same pounds lost or less and have dropped 4 sizes b/c their stomach disappeared.
Mine though??? NOPE!! Still there, still huge.. still making me look like I'm pregnant. Grrr

And not sure if I mentioned it... but SiL is having another girl. Aww :) Really happy to be getting another niece. Was hoping for a boy just so mine could have some boy cousins to play with but they'll be around some strong girl cousins that will give them a run for their money.