I need to calm my tits

I've been very yelly lately and I really need to calm my shit down already.
I hate yelling at my kids.. even if they're doing something wrong... I don't want that to be my go to response.
Something else I need to work on and really try to stick with.
____

We're done buying presents for the kids. Damn... buying for a 2yo is hard. You wouldn't think so, but it is. He loves balls, but he already has plenty. We already got him a tablet so there's that at least, but we wanted to get him something else too.
Got him this magnetic fishing thing that I think he'll like... if his siblings don't lose the pieces.

Zoe was SUPER easy to shop for bc she's at that age where she wants everything. I basically just let her pick her own stuff off amazon. Think most of it has come in already. We're not having a party or anything and I think we're just getting them some cupcakes to keep DH and I from cheating.

Anywho... can't believe one is turning 6 and my youngest is going to be 2. Damn... sometimes it feels like time is going by slow, but then you blink and your babies aren't babies any longer.
____

Doing well here.
16lbs down and DH is officially 25lbs down.
WOO us!

He definitely looks like he's lost weight. Me? Not so much. I can sort of tell sometimes, but overall, I still pretty much look the same.
Still have my giant belly, still sporting my giant flabby arms.
It's just kind of sobering to see that even with 16lbs gone... you can't even really tell b/c I have a ton more to lose. Maybe these 16lbs are gone from around my organs and whatnot and what's coming next will be the stuff I can see. I hope so at least :)

Have a physical at the beginning of Sept and would love to be in the onderlands by then. I have about 9-10 more pounds to lose until then. That's a good bit of weight to lose in a month and with how my body likes to lose then gain then lose then gain the same weight over and over.. I dunno if it will happen, but I sure hope so. I may do another egg fast if my weight isn't dropping how I want.

Was thinking about just telling the doctor I'm doing a low carb diet, but I think just being more truthful and saying I'm doing keto would be better. If she's not in to it.. that's her problem and I can find someone else that is more familiar with it and supportive.
____

We're forbidding the kids from spending the night with aunt anymore, but can't tell her why b/c it would only cause problems.
Had to break Oren's heart this past weekend b/c we wouldnt let him spend the night and when asked, DH made up some lame excuse.

It's always been on my mind before, but now.. I have to put my foot down and forbid it.
Aunt has someone in her life that has a sketchy past and I won't risk my kids going over there any longer.
I feel guilty as hell for even letting them over there as much as we did up to this point, but I trusted aunt to protect them. I don't think anything has ever happened, but I just can't put my kids at risk any longer.
I don't want them to come to me down the road and tell me something did happen and ask why I didn't protect them when I knew.
We're going to look like giant assholes when the truth does come out as to why we won't let them over there, but I don't care. My kids come first.. not Aunt's feelings/wants. She chose that person in her life knowing full well their past.... (and she never bothered sharing this info with anyone other than MiL)... she better learn to live with her decision.

Losing my shit!

Just about lost my shit totally today b/c of all these GD toys on the floor.
It WAS clean in here yesterday b/c I went through the toys to donate or throw away a lot of shit and put things up.
And oh look.. toys all over the floor once again and kids not picking them up once again.
Lost my shit and told them that if they didn't pick up, say byebye to all the toys on the floor and toys they love.
Zoe decided to test me and said "Bye bye toys! As she continued sitting there." Oh hells no child. Hell, to the no. Rage grabbing and sweeping up toys and yep.. going bye bye now. Don't appreciate what you got? Then you don't deserve it.
About to go through Zoe's room next and going to be getting rid of a ton of shit once again.
I just can't stand this clutter any longer. It has got to go.
They're getting more shit for their birthdays and then Christmas.... they don't need old shit that they've forgotten about.

I hate... I really truly hate yelling at them, but gawd fucking damn... it seems like that's all they hear sometimes and it's frustrating as all hell. I don't want to be the crazy ass mom so frickin listen the first time I ask you to do something when I'm still calm.
I would love to be the mom that is all smiles and rarely ever raises her voice, but the hell if that's happening.

I'm part of the problem though. I buy them little toys here and there b/c I just like getting them shit and it all builds up. Their grandma is the worst of the bunch though. SO much bullshit she gives them and I hate it. Every single damn time "Oh I got something for you!" and it's bullshit from some thrift store she went to.
Like these naked little anatomically correct babies that Zoe I'm sure she said she wanted in the moment, but could care less about now. Or some tiny plastic toilet that either held candy or a blind bag toy in it.... just the toilet.. nothing else with it. WTF?? Stop wasting your money on shit. STOP making OUR house a horders dream b/c you want to buy them bullshit. They love you... you don't have to buy them anything.

I say all this while wanting to go shopping for hers and Ezra's birthdays. Sigh... again... I'm part of the problem. But we're getting rid of this crap. I've already filled up half a dozen diaper boxes with their crap in it.

Is it... Is it regular?

When I started this diet.. I got my period on week 2. It's week 6 now and my period started yesterday. Are my cycles regular?? Should I expect it again on week... 10? We'll see I guess.
It's kinda nice having an idea of when it will show up if it does stay regular. But also sucks that it is regular and still lasts a week. lol
Oh well.
The struggles of womanhood I guess.
____

House is a damn mess. Want DH to call his mom to see if she'll take the kids this weekend. Mostly we need to go shopping for birthday presents but I also want to clean house of most of their toys. They play with less than half of them, so I would REALLY like to get rid of that much. Go give it to a thrift store or something. I don't care. Just get rid of it all!
____

Political for a second.
I'd consider myself to be in the middle. Not sure what the right term for that is... but I don't think I'm conservative or liberal. I agree with some things on one side and some things on the other.
But I am sick to death of the left side wanting tolerance and all of this mess while being completely intolerant of conservatives.
NOT saying they're all like that obviously, but I see it so often everywhere. Be tolerant.. BE TOLERANT...... you're conservative?? RACIST! NAZI! You're not white? Oh... well then... NAZI _SYMPATHIZER! SELL OUT! BIGOT!!!
WTH?
Yelling that shit to people isn't going to get anyone on your side. Calling people, especially people of color that are conservative sell outs or how they must hate their own race or some bullshit doesn't help your cause. It only pushes those people away even further b/c who the hell would want to get on a side that condones that shit?
Not saying the idiots on the right are any better sometimes too. Like the whole "snowflakes" bullshit and then they lose their shit over small crap that happens to their "side".
And yes.. obviously there are racists on the right, but there are A LOT on the left too.
I mean it's so GD obvious that the powers that be are LOVING this separation of everyone.
We're so fucking focused on this petty bullshit that we ignore all of the major crap happening under our noses and don't actually progress in getting anything done.
Just sick of all that shit. Them vs us.
How about... "Hey.. I don't agree with you and that's ok, but we can still come together to try to find a common ground." But nope... lets argue over whether or not a business can refuse service b/c of your political view, or argue over what fucking pronouns you want to use and getting offended b/c you can't FORCE people to use what you want. Or building a stupid fucking expensive ass wall that won't keep shit out. Petty BULLSHIT.
People can scream about WHITE MALE PRIVILEGE all they want while just soaking up and basking in that sweet sweet American privilege they yell about hating.

You're not supposed to compare! Buuuut you do...

I keep telling myself over and over. Do not compare myself to any of the other people losing weight. Don't do it b/c you're always going to say shit like "Why can't I lose weight like that. Or lose weight there first."
I do it all the time even though I know I shouldn't.
Like.. I see all of these other women with very similar body shapes. Lot of belly fat. Then they post their progress pic of only being one month in to the diet and their bellies have flattened! I mean... frickin awesome for them, but damn! I'm still looking like I'm about to give birth any minute now lol.
Just wish my body would let it go!
Let it gooo... let it goooooo... Don't hold this fat anymoooooore.
(bonus points if you sang it in your head like Elsa)

Done with the egg fast. It really wasn't that bad, but damn was I needing variety.
I'm down to 209.8 which is a 3lb loss in 3 days while doing it.
So yeah.. I'd say that's a success :)
It's common to gain a little bit of it back though, but I'm really not worried about it.
I'll do it again if my weight loss comes to a stall and I'm not losing any inches or anything.
I'm sure I'll be able to stick to it better when I actually feel like I NEED to do it rather than just being curious about it lol.

So close to the onederlands though. SO CLOSE! Only 10 more pounds and I could see a 1 in front of my weight! It's been so long... SO LONG.
It would also be great if I could start seeing some improvements though in the mirror. Maybe my next progress pics will show some but damn.. I just don't see it right now.
Again... someone else loses 10lbs at my height.. looks like they've lost 30..... me? Nope... still rockin the pooch and granny arms. Sigh...
One day.... one day.
Staying strong though and I'm not giving up :)
Already found a lot of really great Thanksgiving recipes for when that time rolls around. I thought I would cheat, and I might depending on where I'm at with my weight, but  even if I am doing well.. I still may skip all the bad shit and make keto versions :)

Egg Fast

So I'm on day 2 of an egg fast.
I know not losing weight in only a week isn't a huge deal, but I got sick of not seeing the bitch of a scale not move so decided to give this a try.
It's really not too bad. Boring, but not bad and you have to really love eggs, cheese, and some kind of fat.
The "rules" of it are basically..

Eat at least 6 eggs a day, but a lot of places will say to only have 6 eggs a day
Have 1tbs of a good fat per egg. Fat can come from mayo, butter, coconut oil or some other healthy fat.
You can have 1oz of real cheese per egg.

And that's it. You're supposed to do it 3-5 days. I only want to do it 3. I don't think I could go longer than that lol.
We bought too much good food and it's tempting me! Now that our fridge is fixed, we bought so much stuff and I want to tear in to all of it! I especially want a big giant salad covered in caesar dressing. Or eggroll in a bowl sounds awesome too. Just.. variety... I need some variety right now! lol
Only have one more day of it though and I can do it!

Before starting, I made some keto donuts. They weren't too bad. All keto baked goods have this weird spongy texture to them and these had that too, but the flavor wasn't bad and it would've been good with some keto ice cream or whipped cream.

Feeling tired today, but overall I feel pretty good. Need to take vitamins again and this stupid cold needs to hurry up and leave already. Annoying ass tickle in my throat at night is keeping me awake until I finally get to sleep through exhaustion......and then get woken up with a coughing fit. Nice...

And yeah. Really nothing more to report on. Potty training sucks. Youngest crying and calling out Mommy! When he gets put down for a nap or for the night sucks... and a messy house that will never be clean again... eh.. it's tolerable ;) lol

Well...

SiL is miscarrying. Not a viable pregnancy. Confirmed by a 2nd doctor and she was given a pill for it.
Feel really bad for her b/c I know how excited she was.
But with that being said... she's a giant fucking bitch.
Most of the time.. she's fine, but since getting the bad news.. she's pretty much been emotionally abusing her husband and anyone else who puts up with her shit.
Like on Saturday... telling her husband that she's going to the post office, store, etc and never coming back. Or calling him ugly names. Or always ALWAYS threatening to leave him for absolutely no fucking reason other than she's a giant manipulative bitch.
Oh... I know she's hurting b/c of the pregnancy, but that is no GD reason to hurt the ones around you. And it's not like this is the only time she's done this. She's done it before... for no reason other than to be an attention whore.
I don't like her husband in the least, but damn... he doesn't deserve all of that shit and I'm shocked that he hasn't left.
She really is kind of a classic abuser. On the outside (like on facebook).. she praises him and calls him the best husband ever. But then around people she's comfy with and in private.. nothing but verbal abuse.
____

But anyway... other SiL got a negative on her blood work. And now she has to wait another month before trying again. But it actually sounds like she's going to a good doctor that is taking her case seriously. I really hope she gets her 2nd child. She's such a good mommy and by golly her and her husband have made a cute ass little daughter that needs a cute ass little sibling! lol
Seriously.. her little girl is just the cutest little gem. Red hair with pretty curls on the ends of her hair. Big chunky cheeks and just the most adorable little smile. She's so adorable!
They're heading back home today.
____

Diet is still going strong.
Today makes 4 weeks of being on a keto diet.
I lost about 11lbs so far. THose 11 were lost in the first week too. This 4th week, I didn't lose shit.
But hey... I'm not crapping on 11lbs lost. That's awesome!
Just have about 14 more to go to get to the onederlands again! I haven't been in the onederlands in almost 6 years now. Last time I was there was right after Zoe was born.
Plan on doing an egg fast this week.
You're basically eating at lest 6 eggs a day. Depending on who you ask, there's really no limit on how many, but you don't want to eat until you're stuffed.
So at least 6 eggs a day and with each egg, you're supposed to have a tbs of some form of good fat (butter, coconut oil, mayo), and then some cheese. I think it's something like only 4oz of cheese a day but maybe a little more. I'll have to read up on that bit a little more.
I don't think it will be too bad. Boring, but not too hard to do. I love me some eggs.
I'm hoping that it will kickstart this very short stall that I'm having b/c I'm getting rid of these last 14lbs and I WILL see that one in front of my weight!
I've been taking progress photos too and there is absolutely no change. Looking at my body in the photos... There is no wonder why I have so many back pains. I carry SO much in my belly. Sure, my arms are fat too, but my belly just has it all. I hate it and can not wait until that moment where I finally do start seeing a difference.
That's going to be an amazing day :)

New tooth

Have I mentioned that I finally got my new tooth implant? B/c I did :D
It only took maybe a day for my mouth to get used to something being there and not noticing the feeling of it with my tongue. It did have a sharp edge on it that kept scraping my cheek though.
Got it smoothed down some yesterday so hopefully that won't be a problem.
I haven't really been chewing on that side though. It's been SO long since I had to stop so now I just automatically always chew on my right side. I have to consciously try to chew on that side and it's weird.
If I don't go slow, I bite the hell out of my cheek. I have to slowly and with a lot of thought chew my food on that side.
Need to do it more often, but that's not really on my mind when I'm eating, ya know?
____

What else has been going on...
Kids are well.
Ezra had a horrifically terrible poop this morning. He came over to me and the funk just bitch slapped me in the face.
So I go change him and a flippin turd has somehow come out of his diaper and left a trail going all down his leg to his foot /barf
Nevermind the disaster inside of the diaper.
So after I cleaned him up, in to the shower his stanky little butt went.
Motherhood is so beautiful........
He's lucky he's cute lol

____

Oren is good... except for his hair.
 This is him a few weeks ago at gymnastics. He was starting to get a cold

And the other day.. while I was doing some water changes in my fish tank.... this is what Zoe did to his hair...

UUUUUGH...
And this is after DH cut his hair off. He's still adorable, but dang lol.
Zoe cut it so short that there really wasn't any other way to cut it. Well.. I'm sure a professional would've been able to do something, but oh well. It will grow back and his little big head is soft now lol.

____


Zoe is good too.
Starting to work a bit more on her reading so she's a bit better at it when she starts school. Man.. these few months off really go by fast!
She's really excited to start back.
Her cousin though doesn't want to go back b/c she was getting bullied in her school. WTH right? Frickin bully problem in kindergarten! I feel so bad for her :( I hope she has a better year in school.
____

DH and I are good. I don't think it looks like I've lost anything, but I'm still down about 11lbs so far.
DH has lost about 16 and I can definitely tell he's lost. He doesn't see it.
I'll be taking some progress pics this Sunday so I'll be able to compare then and show him that yes.. he has actually visually lost weight lol.
So proud of us both :)

Things are good

Things are pretty good here right now.
Zoe's hand foot and mouth cleared up fairly quick. She never showed signs of being sick other than the visible few spots on her tongue and hands and feet.
I don't think anyone else caught it or if they did, it was so mild that it didn't show.

We were going to wait until his birthday, but we went ahead and bought and gave Ezra his own tablet. He's like the other 2. He'll watch it and play on it, but he also spends his days running around with his disaster squad. lol
I don't understand why some parents are SO against technology, but hey.. you do you and don't stick your nose up at other parents' choices.

Fridge is FINALLY frickin fixed.
We had to wait for a part that was backordered to come in. That took like.. an extra 2 or 3 weeks. Then the repairman installed everything... and it still wasn't working.
So we had to wait another week for someone to come out and another repairman finally did last night. He got here at about 5:30 and didn't leave until 9:30. But whatever he did seems to have worked.
He said that other than some little dent in some small piece part, there wasn't anything else wrong with the fridge. He checked for leaks, took the fridge apart and didn't see anything else.
Not sure what he did about the small dent he saw, but whatever he did do worked b/c the fridge is working now.
FINALLY! FINALLY FINALLY!!!
Holy crap have we been missing our 2nd fridge. Our other fridge is so damn small. Great for a small family but we're a fam of 5 and need as much space!
Just waiting for   the repair guy to come back for his sensor things before we start moving stuff back in!
Oh it's gonna be so nice not having to play food tetris any longer! Having room to buy extra meat to freeze... having room to buy salad stuff that won't freeze and get ruined in the other fridge.... SO SO nice!
____

And finally diet is going great!
We're on our 4th week of the keto diet and doing great on it. I've lost about 11lbs so far. Not sure    about DH, but it looks like he's lost which I'm super jealous about lol.
I'm only 5'3" so 11lbs.. you would think would be noticeable. Pffft, NOPE!
I still look the same. I even took some before photos too to compare and there is absolutely no difference... YET.
Just texted DH and he said he's lost 16lbs. 16 frickin pounds in less than a month!!!! How fucking cool is that?
And you know what else is awesome... I don't feel insatiably hungry anymore.
I NEVER thought that would happen. I could eat and eat and eat some more and then still eat a dessert and want even more.
But this way of eating lives up to what it says it will do which is keep you full and satisfied for longer. Like... I still have to fight the urge to eat at certain times even when I'm not hungry b/c that's when I used to eat before, but it's gotten so much easier over this short amount of time.
Take last night for instance. I didn't want to cook anything with the repairman in the kitchen. I hadn't really eaten anything since around noon.... and I was fine. I probably could've gone the entire night and most of this morning feeling absolutely fine. I did end up eating some pickles and beef jerky sticks just to have something, but I really didn't need it.
NO damn way I would've ever have been able to do that before. I would've been grumpy as shit b/c I would've been starving and in a horrible mood b/c of it.
I'm telling ya.... this way of eating is the shit.
If you're wanting to lose weight or eat better for health reasons... DO THIS. And also..join a really good keto group with supportive people in it. I got lucky and joined a really good one right from the start and it sounds like some of the others out there can be a bit too strict and stupid with rules.
Anyway... give it a try. You don't have to be strict with organic this and grassfed that. Buy what you can that is keto friendly (low low low carb) and keep your meals simple.
The first week is going to be rough bc your body is going to crave those carbs and junky foods, but don't give in b/c it does get easier! IT GETS EASIER.
And then you'll start looking in to alternatives to your favs and see that there are a lot of options out there. Like pizza crust. There's one called fathead dough that consists of mozzarella cheese, cream cheese, almond flour and eggs. Nw the texture is just a little different, but you put your pizza toppings on it and it satisfies your craving.
Hell... if that's too much trouble, you can just make a fried cheese pizza. Nonstick pan. Sprinkle on a good helping of mozzarella in the bottom. Let it melt and when it starts to bubble, add your sauce/toppings then let it fry until the bottom of the cheese turns almost black. It will look burned but it's not. It holds together like a thin crust pizza, but it's all just toppings and it's delicious!
Was supposed to make it last night but will be doing that one tonight :)

Don't get me wrong... I do miss some foods still and look longingly at them lol, but your craving for them slowly goes away. Sure.... you would love to eat them still, but the benefits of sticking to eating this way is so much more rewarding that those 2 minutes of eating a cheat.

I am SO encouraged and motivated this time. The group I'm in and the results so far have just been... inspiring. I don't think my weight loss will be this awesome every month, but ya know... I'm learning that that's ok b/c I am in this and I'm not giving up. I feel so SO positive about it and I don't think I've ever been like that on a diet before.
Even when we did primal.. I couldn't wait to cheat. I counted down the days of our strict 30days on it lol.
Anyway.. enough of my cheesy ass....

Gotta get some chores done :)